![]() ![]() What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.“You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.” A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him.Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind.If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?.Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.I used to run a dating service for chickens.What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend.I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.Only a fraction of people will understand this The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line.How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.I guess the two of us aren't going to work out. I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up.It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece. ![]() If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning.Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.I hate my job-all I do is crush cans all day.What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve." My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy.Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday.What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more.Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. ![]()
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